3 transformational lessons learned from the gym...probably not what you think!

Sadly, today my gym shut down their business.

Fortunately, the owners/coaches brilliantly pivoted and went remote, which is awesome....yet the community as we knew it is over.

My heart is so freakin’ heavy.

I sheepishly walked in there January 2018 -
DESPERATE- I had spent much of 2017 using a cane and managing pain. I needed to be healthier.

The transformation I experienced was priceless.

First of all...I actually
SHOWED UP and to be honest, I walked in terrified EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

And every day I walked out to my car a

For the first time I felt physically and emotionally safe in a gym setting. All shapes and sizes were welcome and present. Modifications and scaling was available for anyone at any level of fitness.

Oh how I will miss the community!!

We had daily celebrations of achievement and badassery...support and compassion for life inside and outside the physical four walls of the gym.

2018-2020 were some of the most emotionally difficult years of my life and being present with the community and pushing myself physically supported me in ways I never could have imagined.

3 transformational lessons I learned from the gym: 

1.  It was never about my weight. People would compliment me on my weight loss and how great I looked...and honestly, it made me cringe. 

2. I would smile and share how amazing I FELT. It was always about feeling better in my body, being able to move without pain, to get on and off the floor, to climb stairs without my arms, and to live my best life.

3. I wanted to be seen for the way I was showing up for myself, for that was where the real loss was. The LOSS OF GUILT for putting myself first!

In 2019 when things in my life took some painful twists and turns I struggled to stick with my radical self care. I had pain again and became acutely aware of what a shamp I was at holding my emotions in my body.

Fortunately in the last 6 months I have learned a technique to release them….and am now getting certified in it so I can help others!

This community will always be in my heart, the coaches will always be in my head, and I will continue to move my body, to push myself past the point of my mental comfort zone, to step outside myself and find my inner warrior.


She is there and she is resilientAF!  

Check out
Project Wellness...remote training from two amazing coaches!!

and join other resilientAF midlife mamas on Facebook in our free group!! 

11.2.18 true confessions of a sugar addict

for years we would swap out our kid's Halloween candy for toys or decorations. we had the book about the "switch witch" who would come and swap it all out.  we would let them choose about 10 pieces and we would "get rid" of the rest.  we would choose a few items for ourselves and then the candy was donated out to the troops. in NJ there were places with containers you could dump it into and then it got sent overseas.  for goodness sake, my kids even wrote the witch letters about brushing her teeth after eating all the candy....🤦‍♀️
confession time...there were many years that bag of candy never made it to the donation bin.  🤢
i had a problem from the time the candy corn showed up on the shelves straight through until mid January. it was like open season on sweets.  you know...it's just Halloween, it only comes once a year...it's Christmas cookies, they only happen once a year...etc.
i admittedly was totally addicted to sugar. i couldn't eat just a little.  and sugar was always there for me...like a great big hug. i could snuggle with it on the couch, take it with me in the car, to the movies, keep it tucked in my bag, we were tight!
there is no doubt in my mind that sugar is a drug.  sugar was most definitely my drug. and i was a junkie.
the scary thing for me on Halloween night was this:

 halloween 2018
i have been off refined sugar (with only very small amounts of honey, maple, or coconut sugar) since June (oops- except for one day on NYC where i indulged in some tastes).  this is the longest time I have ever gone.

and this was my first Halloween (since maybe when i was 2?!?!) that i didn't eat any Halloween candy!! i did make some paleo pumpkin muffins with coconut sugar...but i did not dig into that stash. i am proudly the keeper of the stash and not feeling at all pulled to break into it!! my inner addict knows that if i eat one i will eat them all...and then go out looking for my next fix. all the candy is on sale this time of year...so if i were to seek a fix, i would be economical about it and stock up...and then the vicious cycle is back.

my mind used to be heavily clouded with excuses and justifications and thick lies about my addiction.  i would get sneaky and hide it.  not anymore.

i love the clarity that i have found.  i love the control that i have over how i nourish myself.  i love knowing that what doesn't bend breaks and safely allowing myself to bend as needed within defined boundaries.

wow, i didn't sit down with the intention of spilling all my dirty sugar secrets!!  it began to flow and i decided to go with it, because it feels meaningful to put it out there publicly.  i know there are many of you reading this that probably see yourselves.  i have found on this journey that i am not alone and i am inspiring others.  if i can inspire even one person to quit sugar, or start working out, or eat a bit healthier, than my personal challenges are all worth it.

so for those that may be thinking i took all the fun out of Halloween...i still celebrated! i started my day dressed as a witch at CrossFit running around, rowing, and lifting weights with Tigger, a unicorn and a deviled egg! i also carved a massive pumpkin 


Chair Victory!

9.1.18 Ice Cream Reflections

I posted this video on Instagram and Facebook and didn't intend to put it here.  Then it sat with me how significant this realization was for me.  I began to reflect on how much ice cream I ate last summer, then reminisced with Ross about it, the flavors, the memories around different social ice cream gatherings, the times he brought it home because I felt _________ (fill in with any emotion!) and "needed" ice cream.

Seriously, I NEEDED ice cream?!  WOW! This week has been an emotional roller coaster: oldest off to college, middle doing a 360 around plans to homeschool and now going back to high school (with various options in between), planning the 11 year old's homeschool year...and a few other dramas I can't mention!  If there was ever a week to NEED ice cream....THIS.WAS.IT.

How did I get through this week without it?!?! On the way home from the Rochester drop off I stopped at Atlas Bowl for an order of brussel sprouts since I wasn't having the chocolate, cookies or ice cream.  You know the ones being offered to us ALL.OVER.CAMPUS.  I am sure you aren't surprised that they were not a suitable trade in, even with their bacon and parmasan cheese.  Nope.

I spent much of the week straying off and eating too many carbs in the form of fresh peaches or crispy cucumbers.  I ate an extra date or piece of dried mango.  Then I started thinking maybe I should just eat some chocolate, enjoy it without guilt and then move on- get back on track.  I finally fessed up to Ross about my struggle and he reminded me, "What doesn't bend breaks."

I sat with that for awhile.  I was already bending and felt like I was going to snap.  What became crystal clear was my fear of falling into the sugar trap again!  Bending to a little bit of sugar may work for some, but I am a junkie.  No amount is safe.  WHEW- I may as well be standing in front of a room...."Hi, My name is Tobi and I am a sugar addict!"

I acknowledged that in those moments of "wanting" I NEED to do two things:                                            
1. have safe alternative treats available                                                                                            
2.  encourage myself to sit with the _________ (fill in any emotion!) and FEEL it                           

 prior to #1
I rearranged an area in my bedroom to create a safe space for #2 to happen AND I used it this week.  I let the feelings bubble up and I wrote, visualized, meditated, cried, and ultimately released.   What I didn't do much of was reach for #1. WIN!

8.23.18 college...cookies...cool NSV update

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