I lost my Grandma today...

I lost my Grandma today...

Waking to the deep loss of my Grandma Rosy and feeling the cruel cuffs of Covid detaining me from being physically present with my Florida family. 


Rosy has physically left this plane, yet I know she will always be with me in my heart. Just like Zaydie. 


I knew it was time.  In time for their wedding anniversary on 11.15. 


Really since her heart surgery 10 years ago, every year has felt like bonus time.  

I’ve been wearing her pearl drop earrings since the last time we spoke over FaceTime. The last time she knew it was me and mumbled the words “Love You”  incoherently.  I have been grieving since that day. I’ve been deeply missing her. Missing our conversations. 


She was a consistent light in my life, I began calling her when I was a little girl just figuring out how to use the phone and she was my go to for so much over the years no matter the distance. 


As a child I was fortunate to have her live nearby and relish memories of cooking together, family gatherings, sitting in synagogue, learning to sew and knit.  Some of the best memories were our adventures to the Bra and Girdle Factory where the old ladies with tape measures helped fit me and find me the most youthful of the boob scaffolding that  I required at an early age.  Then we would go next door to the Chinese restaurant for the lunch special.  All her life she loved going out for Chinese food! 


Everywhere we went she was a beacon of connection.  She talked to anyone about everything and everyone loved her.  There wasn’t much filter to Rosy- authentic and honest.  


I began grieving her loss after that call. I made her mac + cheese and banana pudding recipes and I looked through pictures.  I began listening to the many voice recordings I made over the last 3 years asking her questions about her life and some of the sweet phone messages.  I watched and re-watched videos from her 99th birthday party last January. 


Today I will wrap myself in one of the gazillion afghans she has made and know that I am wrapped in her love. I’ve begun to collect photos and videos from friends and family that have received handmade Rosy items to be woven together into a blanket of her legacy.  


She was one of a kind.  I’m so profoundly grateful for all the time we’ve been gifted by her presence. That my children could grow up with her and hear her stories, cook with her, swim with her and experience her joy.  


Her memories will be a blessing and her Rosy spark will live on in my children.  L’dor v’dor.  (generation to generation)



the naked truth


Last year my journey felt solid.  I had been training, eating healthy, getting stronger, engaging in personal development workshops and thriving.  Don’t get me wrong...things were far from perfect in my home and I was pushing through sciatica pain that began mid spring.  


And then the bottom fell out, a year ago this week, when our  16 year old took off and it has been the single most difficult year of my life not seeing or speaking to him, for he is a piece of my heart.  


Emotional pain that I wasn’t allowing myself to feel was being stored in my body. Movement became more difficult, yet I kept showing up and pushing myself because I missed the emotional release that came from working out.   I focused on getting good sleep, meditating, connecting with friends, taking baths, oiling up…ya’ know...self care- cuz that’s my thing! 


A friend posted recently “You can’t heal if you’re pretending not to hurt” and OUCH...it smacked me, like a slap in the face. 


Ya see, I had let go of the nutrition work I was doing with my coach… and I found myself eating to fill the void, numb my feelings, and self soothe the child in me that ached to feel loved ...and then all the weight came back on and I physically felt shitty.


Yesterday I caught myself standing naked in front of the mirror and I didn’t cringe and loathe my body.  For the very first time, my heart softened and all I could see was the powerful loving being that has birthed three babies.  I could see the pain in my body, on my face and in the silver strands of wisdom in my hair. I saw flashes of my life with my children, holding them, nurturing them, and then felt the need to hold myself and the tears flooded my eyes as I embraced myself. 


And with that acceptance I realized that I can’t stay in this body as it is for it is too painful. I’ve been here before and I don’t choose to stay.  


It’s time to get back to all out, no BS radical self care.   It’s time to go back to what I know works for me.  It’s time to do the things I know work to raise my frequency, increase my energy, and bring me back to my vibrant self so that I can decrease the inflammation in my body and support my hormones.  


This song speaks to my soul...I think I’ll post these lyrics on my mirror:


“I am resilient

I trust the movement

I negate the chaos

Uplift the negative

I’ll show up at the table, again and again and again

I’ll close my mouth and learn to listen”

(Lyrics by Rising Appalachia) 


I've done it before and I can do it again...the specifics may look very different for each of us, but let’s get at it…’cause it’s always better to do these things together!  


hang with us in Resilient AF Midlife Mamas on Facebook ! 

 


Bittersweet Mama

Bittersweet Mama

Social media and my texts became populated with cheerful, flowery Mother’s Day greetings and I played along responding until the tears began to flow. 

And then once the stream began I couldn’t turn it off…

until my love held me tight while I fell apart, he helped me take some calming breaths and I came back to myself.  

And then we ordered chicken and waffles from Waffle Frolic because it filled the space in my heart that was feeling empty today... 

and I was hungry after all the emotions.

Reflecting on my 20 years of Mother’s Days, feeling grief, and allowing myself to go with it, even embrace it. 
Loving my grief fully is part of loving myself.

My heart is heavy with grief. 

The grief of letting go of what I thought mothering would look like or feel like, all the expectations and ideals, the people and the societal norms.

I have lost so much of myself in mothering, parts of me I am just now picking up. Finding out who I am in the present moment and repairing the generational wounds that I had not been aware existed.  

I have been healing the pieces of me that feel battered by loving my children so much and myself not enough.  There are pieces that are so shattered that it is unclear if they can be healed.  

I love all those that have mothered me, allowed me to mother them, and the many that have led by sharing their vulnerability and truth.

I am forever changed, been forced to grow and learn in ways and things I never imagined.  
Forever grateful to be a mama. A fierce warrior of love and life.  Resilient AF.

If this resonates with you...we have a group you might want to join called resilient AF midlife mamas

7.30.18

Yesterday, on a glorious warm sunny day, we sat beside the Delaware River laughing, crying, and singing. Gratitude to all involved in the creation of this peaceful community space. Lara would have been ecstatic to have seen us all together in her "best" place, singing her favorite songs, and loving on one another. Many of us hadn't seen each other for 30+ years and it was as though time slipped away and we were teenagers again. Our hearts were full of love for Lara. Her untimely death has been proudly difficult to accept. This day of celebrating her life at camp with friends and her family was like a warm blanket on a chilly night. ❤️
 

 







8.6.18 Lara WOD @ CrossFit of Ithaca

This morning I struggled to get my body started as I've been having back spasms and discomfort. I was determined to get to the box for CrossFit today, Hero WOD (workout of day) Monday. Today would be Lara's WOD 💜

Funny thing is that when I started CrossFit I was most afraid of these workouts and had predetermined that I would simply skip those days. 😂 (I can't believe I just admitted that!) Hero WOD's are actually a great honor to do. They are designed to honor military, police, rescue workers, etc that have fallen in the line of duty.  They are notorious for being extra spicy!
We were asked last week to submit our personal heroes. I saw the email while driving back from camp after celebrating my friend Lara's life. It immediately struck me that she was one of my heroes. She fought for kids on the front lines, in their homes, in often dangerous situations. She fought for her own life in the end. She was so freakin' brave!

I can't believe it will be 3 years tomorrow.  Today was a perfect day to celebrate her again with my Crossfit family.  I pushed my hardest to participate and complete this difficult workout. AMRAP means "as many rounds/reps as possible"- so we did 15 minutes of 8 box jumps and 7 deadlifts for 8/7/15.

I am not yet a box jumper so I did my 8 inch steps.  I had to lighten my barbell to 65# for the deadlifts and then take them one at a time, as going back down was triggering my back.  I carefully lifted up and dropped my bar each time- slow and steady.  About halfway through I began to tear up and had to work hard on not all out crying.

Thank you to my coaches and to all of the athletes at Crossfit of Ithaca that honored Lara today.  I am so grateful to have this opportunity to honor her in this unique way.
*Picture from the 6:30 am crew ...forgot to get one of ours at 7:30...



PS- I rubbed down with Cool Azul and later went to my chiropractor. I am now feeling much better and I have a plan of action going forward so I can maintain my activity level :-)





 
 
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