Waking to the deep loss of my Grandma Rosy and feeling the cruel cuffs of Covid detaining me from being physically present with my Florida family.
Rosy has physically left this plane, yet I know she will always be with me in my heart. Just like Zaydie.
I knew it was time. In time for their wedding anniversary on 11.15.
I’ve been wearing her pearl drop earrings since the last time we spoke over FaceTime. The last time she knew it was me and mumbled the words “Love You” incoherently. I have been grieving since that day. I’ve been deeply missing her. Missing our conversations.
She was a consistent light in my life, I began calling her when I was a little girl just figuring out how to use the phone and she was my go to for so much over the years no matter the distance.
As a child I was fortunate to have her live nearby and relish memories of cooking together, family gatherings, sitting in synagogue, learning to sew and knit. Some of the best memories were our adventures to the Bra and Girdle Factory where the old ladies with tape measures helped fit me and find me the most youthful of the boob scaffolding that I required at an early age. Then we would go next door to the Chinese restaurant for the lunch special. All her life she loved going out for Chinese food!
Everywhere we went she was a beacon of connection. She talked to anyone about everything and everyone loved her. There wasn’t much filter to Rosy- authentic and honest.
I began grieving her loss after that call. I made her mac + cheese and banana pudding recipes and I looked through pictures. I began listening to the many voice recordings I made over the last 3 years asking her questions about her life and some of the sweet phone messages. I watched and re-watched videos from her 99th birthday party last January.
Today I will wrap myself in one of the gazillion afghans she has made and know that I am wrapped in her love. I’ve begun to collect photos and videos from friends and family that have received handmade Rosy items to be woven together into a blanket of her legacy.
She was one of a kind. I’m so profoundly grateful for all the time we’ve been gifted by her presence. That my children could grow up with her and hear her stories, cook with her, swim with her and experience her joy.
Her memories will be a blessing and her Rosy spark will live on in my children. L’dor v’dor. (generation to generation)
Last year my journey felt solid. I had been training, eating healthy, getting stronger, engaging in personal development workshops and thriving. Don’t get me wrong...things were far from perfect in my home and I was pushing through sciatica pain that began mid spring.
And then the bottom fell out, a year ago this week, when our 16 year old took off and it has been the single most difficult year of my life not seeing or speaking to him, for he is a piece of my heart.
Emotional pain that I wasn’t allowing myself to feel was being stored in my body. Movement became more difficult, yet I kept showing up and pushing myself because I missed the emotional release that came from working out. I focused on getting good sleep, meditating, connecting with friends, taking baths, oiling up…ya’ know...self care- cuz that’s my thing!
A friend posted recently “You can’t heal if you’re pretending not to hurt” and OUCH...it smacked me, like a slap in the face.
Ya see, I had let go of the nutrition work I was doing with my coach… and I found myself eating to fill the void, numb my feelings, and self soothe the child in me that ached to feel loved ...and then all the weight came back on and I physically felt shitty.
Yesterday I caught myself standing naked in front of the mirror and I didn’t cringe and loathe my body. For the very first time, my heart softened and all I could see was the powerful loving being that has birthed three babies. I could see the pain in my body, on my face and in the silver strands of wisdom in my hair. I saw flashes of my life with my children, holding them, nurturing them, and then felt the need to hold myself and the tears flooded my eyes as I embraced myself.
And with that acceptance I realized that I can’t stay in this body as it is for it is too painful. I’ve been here before and I don’t choose to stay.
It’s time to get back to all out, no BS radical self care. It’s time to go back to what I know works for me. It’s time to do the things I know work to raise my frequency, increase my energy, and bring me back to my vibrant self so that I can decrease the inflammation in my body and support my hormones.
This song speaks to my soul...I think I’ll post these lyrics on my mirror:
“I am resilient
I trust the movement
I negate the chaos
Uplift the negative
I’ll show up at the table, again and again and again
I’ll close my mouth and learn to listen”
(Lyrics by Rising Appalachia)
I've done it before and I can do it again...the specifics may look very different for each of us, but let’s get at it…’cause it’s always better to do these things together!
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